Lieing is bad:
It is at this time that I convince myself that I am in the process of getting up. Getting up out of bed and going to take my morning shower. But I just lied to my girlfriend, I am lieing to myself and its going to cost me. I can not help myself, my eyes just close and I am fast asleep once again, dreaming that wonderful dream. After all, why not catch a few more winks, right? I am partially deaf now so I should sleep even better. But what I do not expect, what I should not expect, but what is inevitable is… pain. Pain is coming. It is arriving on a galloping white mare, full plate mail armor and a sword of shining steel. Suddenly, without warning, the nerves in my big toe send an immediate SOS message to the brain stem.
“Holy shit, were taking heavy damage down here, I think were done for. Tendons are popping, the bone is creaking and I am pretty sure were being pulled completely off. Tell the other toes, Ill miss them, I never wanted it to end this way.. Good bye… good bye… aigggh”
This of course, no living being could sleep through and I spring immediately awake and check my surroundings. Confident that I am no longer in possession of my big toe and that it has been unceremoniously removed by violent means; I spot the face of my girlfriend. She is not smiling, this is good I suppose, I mean what kind of woman would be smiling while holding the recently severed big toe of her boyfriend, right? Don’t answer that… But I’m shocked to realize it is still attached and I know this because it is throbbing. This is the point where I realize that to remain in bed would probably result in further unpleasant abuse and I begin the attempt to move. First I roll over on my stomach. This way I can put my hands under my chest and give a half hearted push so I will slide down off the bed and onto the floor. Hopefully on my feet, but my knees will work if I get that far. I know, this sounds strange, but bear with me. Believe me, I am not a huge fat guy who can not get out of bed, I am amazingly spry when I am wide awake. But before my smoke and 2 cups of coffee, I am about as mobile as a cement truck with square wheels. This method is tried and true and seems to work for me. Try it sometime you might be surprised.. or not. So, here I am, hands under my chest and I am pushing. But ya know… it’s so comfortable like this. I mean.. the warmth of the blankets still covering me, the slight chill of the outside air dancing over the tips of my toes.. Well my one good toe and my nearly mutilated toe, that is. The throbbing is now a comfortable thud, singing in time with my heart beat. So… relaxing… and…
….. The Ears: “Ahem… wake up dude. I hear foot steps. No seriously she is coming back to check on you. Dear god, don’t let her see you fell back to sleep. Jesus, we saw what happened to the toe, we are just spongy cartilage, were your ears man... You need us!”
Fortunately I manage one last push and I feel the icy cold wooden floor make contact with my feet just as she pokes her head in and casts me a look that surely would have turned Medusa to stone and blasted her into tiny fragments of sand and blown her out the door and down the street. So off it is.. off to the shower. This is another adventure in itself.
“Holy shit, were taking heavy damage down here, I think were done for. Tendons are popping, the bone is creaking and I am pretty sure were being pulled completely off. Tell the other toes, Ill miss them, I never wanted it to end this way.. Good bye… good bye… aigggh”
This of course, no living being could sleep through and I spring immediately awake and check my surroundings. Confident that I am no longer in possession of my big toe and that it has been unceremoniously removed by violent means; I spot the face of my girlfriend. She is not smiling, this is good I suppose, I mean what kind of woman would be smiling while holding the recently severed big toe of her boyfriend, right? Don’t answer that… But I’m shocked to realize it is still attached and I know this because it is throbbing. This is the point where I realize that to remain in bed would probably result in further unpleasant abuse and I begin the attempt to move. First I roll over on my stomach. This way I can put my hands under my chest and give a half hearted push so I will slide down off the bed and onto the floor. Hopefully on my feet, but my knees will work if I get that far. I know, this sounds strange, but bear with me. Believe me, I am not a huge fat guy who can not get out of bed, I am amazingly spry when I am wide awake. But before my smoke and 2 cups of coffee, I am about as mobile as a cement truck with square wheels. This method is tried and true and seems to work for me. Try it sometime you might be surprised.. or not. So, here I am, hands under my chest and I am pushing. But ya know… it’s so comfortable like this. I mean.. the warmth of the blankets still covering me, the slight chill of the outside air dancing over the tips of my toes.. Well my one good toe and my nearly mutilated toe, that is. The throbbing is now a comfortable thud, singing in time with my heart beat. So… relaxing… and…
….. The Ears: “Ahem… wake up dude. I hear foot steps. No seriously she is coming back to check on you. Dear god, don’t let her see you fell back to sleep. Jesus, we saw what happened to the toe, we are just spongy cartilage, were your ears man... You need us!”
Fortunately I manage one last push and I feel the icy cold wooden floor make contact with my feet just as she pokes her head in and casts me a look that surely would have turned Medusa to stone and blasted her into tiny fragments of sand and blown her out the door and down the street. So off it is.. off to the shower. This is another adventure in itself.
Labels: Comedy, Lieing, Relationships
posted by Matthew Mundane at 10:30 PM
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