The Dichotomies of Temperature:
My towel in hand, I am a brave adventurer. I know it is time once again to use this device, this chamber of suck. The shower at my apartment. I often think that it is a living thing. A demon thing. Something with a vicious vengeful spirit who’s only purpose is to cause hate and discontent in my world. Yes, true it gets me clean, but then again so would a sand blaster or some brillo pads. As I reach past the miracle curtain (Ill explain why I call it that in a moment) and pull the water nozzle out, the flow of water starts. This is all seemingly very normal. I adjust the nozzle between hot and cold to find a pleasingly gentle temperature. I step in and let the water cascade over my head and down my back and close the miracle curtain. It is at this point that all reality becomes unhinged. Egon in Ghostbusters said it best: “Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light”
Without warning or possible explanation, completely outside the realm of probability, the temperature shoots up. Wayyyy up. Like dangerously close to achieving nuclear fission hot. Of course my skin registers this, all the normal and expected pain messages are being sent, the brain is getting them but its mistakenly filed under “Bullshit” because nothing can be this hot. Before the annoying pain messages stack up to the point where the brain can no longer ignore this alarm, like a photographic negative the temperature shoots down. Wayyyy down. Even Lord William Thomson Kelvin, who developed the idea of the "Second Law of Thermodynamics", would be surprised and intrigued by this absence of heat. How does water stay liquid at absolute zero? How does my skin stay attached to my flesh? How am I possibly still alive? I did mention that reality becomes unhinged, didn’t I? I was not kidding. Then the granddaddy of all suck appears, the miracle curtain. Yes, that cheap piece of shit plastic curtain that I originally thought was a good idea at first. The curtain that is supposed to keep the shower water in the shower and off my floor. Supposed to keep a stable temperature between the rest of the bathroom and the interior of the shower. (hahahahahahaha… sorry). But what it does best would have the guys at Elmer’s, Crazy Glue, and Velcro pissing themselves for joy. It becomes a self propelled, intelligent predator. With the ability to keep its surface from sticking to anything at all, however bonding to my skin at a level so deep I can taste and cry polyvinyl chloride. No wait, stop and picture this. No, really its amusing. Me. The Dichotomies of Temperature blasting out of my shower head. My miracle curtain bonding to me and wrapping itself all over my limbs and leaking water all over my floor. You’re laughing aren’t you? Please god, laugh for me .. laugh or Ill cry.
There is one more thing to share about my showering experience. One final blow to my sanity. The last kick to the teeth before the day is ready to progress. As I fiddle with the nozzle in an attempt to stabilize the temperature, all the while fighting the curtain, and withholding the desire to scream and punch everything around me the curtain is whisked away. Pulled away from me as if by angels and I am free. Or am I? No.. I am not.. it was pulled off of me by my girlfriend who pokes her head in and removes every last shred of dignity I had, looks me up and down and yells in the aforementioned sonic blast voice “Hurry the fuck up, you take longer showers that a woman!” Having just suffered the scathingly cold air and fought the sub Kelvin scale temperatures of the water, you can well imagine, if you are a man, what that does to your nether region. I don’t care if your John motherfucking Holmes or Tommy Lee. When your “cock and ball housing group” is exposed to dangerously low temperatures it shrinks. Yeah.. so there I was. Shivering, naked, wet, not even fully awake, being yelled at. Pathetic. But the shower has ended and its time to dress. Heh.. talk to ya soon..
Without warning or possible explanation, completely outside the realm of probability, the temperature shoots up. Wayyyy up. Like dangerously close to achieving nuclear fission hot. Of course my skin registers this, all the normal and expected pain messages are being sent, the brain is getting them but its mistakenly filed under “Bullshit” because nothing can be this hot. Before the annoying pain messages stack up to the point where the brain can no longer ignore this alarm, like a photographic negative the temperature shoots down. Wayyyy down. Even Lord William Thomson Kelvin, who developed the idea of the "Second Law of Thermodynamics", would be surprised and intrigued by this absence of heat. How does water stay liquid at absolute zero? How does my skin stay attached to my flesh? How am I possibly still alive? I did mention that reality becomes unhinged, didn’t I? I was not kidding. Then the granddaddy of all suck appears, the miracle curtain. Yes, that cheap piece of shit plastic curtain that I originally thought was a good idea at first. The curtain that is supposed to keep the shower water in the shower and off my floor. Supposed to keep a stable temperature between the rest of the bathroom and the interior of the shower. (hahahahahahaha… sorry). But what it does best would have the guys at Elmer’s, Crazy Glue, and Velcro pissing themselves for joy. It becomes a self propelled, intelligent predator. With the ability to keep its surface from sticking to anything at all, however bonding to my skin at a level so deep I can taste and cry polyvinyl chloride. No wait, stop and picture this. No, really its amusing. Me. The Dichotomies of Temperature blasting out of my shower head. My miracle curtain bonding to me and wrapping itself all over my limbs and leaking water all over my floor. You’re laughing aren’t you? Please god, laugh for me .. laugh or Ill cry.
There is one more thing to share about my showering experience. One final blow to my sanity. The last kick to the teeth before the day is ready to progress. As I fiddle with the nozzle in an attempt to stabilize the temperature, all the while fighting the curtain, and withholding the desire to scream and punch everything around me the curtain is whisked away. Pulled away from me as if by angels and I am free. Or am I? No.. I am not.. it was pulled off of me by my girlfriend who pokes her head in and removes every last shred of dignity I had, looks me up and down and yells in the aforementioned sonic blast voice “Hurry the fuck up, you take longer showers that a woman!” Having just suffered the scathingly cold air and fought the sub Kelvin scale temperatures of the water, you can well imagine, if you are a man, what that does to your nether region. I don’t care if your John motherfucking Holmes or Tommy Lee. When your “cock and ball housing group” is exposed to dangerously low temperatures it shrinks. Yeah.. so there I was. Shivering, naked, wet, not even fully awake, being yelled at. Pathetic. But the shower has ended and its time to dress. Heh.. talk to ya soon..
Labels: Comedy, Frustration, Life, Showering
posted by Matthew Mundane at 4:34 PM
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