Bad Dog:

Who in the hell broke into my account and wrote that sappy bullshit yesterday? That ain't me! Nawww I'am the guy who smokes more than Dennis Leary and is about 10x more pissed off! Yeah! I know what it was. I had quit smoking as a New Years resolution and it had drained me of my evil powers. The evil powers of perception and smite and angst. So I went out this morning bought a pack of smokes and now it's on. Let me the stage for you, for my most recent dilemma. I have not held a regular job for the past 9 months. I decided that since the girlfriend had a regular job and made enough money for us both, that I would take the time off and do what it is in life that I wanted to do. Write a book. So that is what I have been doing with my time. It has become my job. I cook, clean, do the dishes and laundry and vacuum... Everything around the house, and when I have time I write. You would think a woman would appreciate this kind of role reversal in this day and age, right? heh WRONG.

So there I am, putting the finishing touches on the tedious job of cleaning up after a home cooked meal, which by the way I make sure is ready on the table for when she gets home, and I sit on the couch under a blanket. One of our cats decideds to jump up in my lap and get comfortable and I feel the anger meter in my head dip a couple of degrees in the negative direction. The calming effect is nice. but in through the door busts an angry woman who throws her coat at me (its my job to hang it) and begins yelling at me in a shrill voice. "Must be nice to sit on your fucking ass all day long and do nothing while I bust my ass at work and put up with idiots all day long." Now you would think, knowing me as you do, that this would immediately throw me into a "Hulk Smash" like rage. Where I leap from the couch after having torn my shirt off and ripped my pants in all the appropriate places... (Side track: Why in the hell didn't the Hulks pants come off? Is a Hulk sized penis not part of the whole metamorphosis deal or what? If not, where is the benefit? I don't get it.) But no. I breathe in deeply and smile and say, "How was your day honey?" That is akin to throwing military grade C4 on a nuclear fire and it starts a tyraid of complaining and hate that would make Alanis Morrisette seem happy and well adjusted. "How was my day? How was your fucking day? Why are there so many lights on in the house? Why is the kitchen a mess? What are you doing sitting on the couch? When are you getting a fucking job?" and on and on it goes.

It is at this point where I must make an important decision. Life is full of these tiny little forks in the road. You know them well, you have them, I am sure. One road will lead you to the "higher road" less traveled. The one where you smile and comfort your loved one after a hard days work and eventually they will calm down and all will be well. But in doing so, must swallow your pride, and anger at having being beaten down emotionally like a bad dog. Knowing full well you too busted your ass all day long, picking up after her mess, making sure she comes home to a warm happy home with a nice dinner on the table, and squeezing every last bit of creativity out of your very being trying to write a compelling and interesting book. OR... You can retaliate in kind, with the same amount of energy and anger you just received. Which did I choose, you're now asking yourself?

I got up slowly from the couch, I am sure there was a flicker of "KILL" in my eye when I did. For a moment in time I looked to my right and saw the camera man of life focusing in on the scene, strangely enough on the side of the camera was "Faces of Death". Ever wonder how they get all that neat and horrible accident and mutilation on tape? These guys are paranormal telepaths with fortune telling powers, they always seem to be at the scene of a grizzly accident. I took this as my first warning. On the left, sitting on my couch with my cat in his lap was the Emperor Palpatine from Return of the Jedi, laughing and saying; "Yesss, yessss, I can feel the hate swelling within you, pick up that candlestick holder and strike her down with it, and your journey to the dark side will be complete." Oh Tantalus, dost thou need to hold the grapes so close to my mouth?! Ahh, but you're still wondering what I did...

I took a deep breath and turned to the Emperor and said "I will never join you, I am a jedi like my father before me." Under my breath of course. You see, I was not kidding when I said I saw him sitting there. The longer I go with no human interaction the tighter the rubber band that is my mind gets and someday it's gonna snap. So, like the bad dog I am, I turned off the extra lights in the house, cleaned up the little mess that was left and did my best to calm her. I then spent the rest of the night sitting with her on the couch watching Smallville and rubbing her feet. But before you get all disappointed in me, and feeling as though I might have lost my edge, gone soft, thrown in the towel, keep in mind one thing... I have been checking into prices of Woodchippers.

Until next time.

Nothing Is As It Appears To Be

So this morning I get up after a mere 4 hours sleep, there is no hot water in my building, so I am forced to splash icy cold water on myself. I then have to lather up the soap with icy cold water clinging to me, a nifty cool breeze blowing on me and no promise of anything warm whatsoever in my immediate future. Then comes the unbearable rinse. I make it out to my car and it would not start. It took me literally 15 minutes of wearing my battery down to almost nothing till it finally turned over. Clearly something is terribly wrong with it. Then there was the bus ride in to work... those of you who have been following this average life are well aware of my bus problems... I have some serious ass bus problems. However today was unique in that the bus I was on was clearly made for dwarfs. The seats had absolutly no room for your legs at all and yet the seats in front of you could recline back. You would literally have to have no legs at all to sit there with the seat in front of you leaned all the way back. And yet the woman in front of me attempted to recline fully. Quite simply this was not possible as my knees were already pressed up against the back of her seat, however, this would not deter her from trying with a tenacity rarely seen in a non life threatening situation. She was hurling herself and all of her weight against the back of the seat while looking at me, one hand on the lever that allows her seat to recline and the other on the head rest. Clearly she could see my body recoil and shake with each increasingly forceful attempt she made. The look of utter disbelief combined with the scary feeling one gets right before a bone snaps in ther leg was written on my face as I looked her in the eye during all of this. She did not care. She kept trying. The urge to drop all human rational thinking and embrace the purely animal instinct of killing was overwhelming, but I did what every guy does. I ignored her as best as possible and closed my eyes for some sleep. I arrive at my destination, good old Port Authority NYC. Every morning I get coffee at Au Bon Pain and walk the half a block to work. However this morning at the coffee shop they did not have those lovely littel cardboard sleeves the slide over the cup so that the scalding hot coffee does not remove skin or set you aflame while drinking what is markedly close to molten lead. So I held my cup of coffee as I walked to work, the fingers wrapped around the cup are tingling and no doubt forming blisters. So I get to work only to find out that our website is down and clients who pay us many thousands of dollars are not pleased with us.

Now... you would think that this would be a fucking terrible morning, right? But this is my world, and here baby... Nothing is as it appears to be. I am in a good mood and nothing can touch me. Thanks to quid I have a song stuck in my head... All ya need is love.

The Dichotomies of Temperature:

My towel in hand, I am a brave adventurer. I know it is time once again to use this device, this chamber of suck. The shower at my apartment. I often think that it is a living thing. A demon thing. Something with a vicious vengeful spirit who’s only purpose is to cause hate and discontent in my world. Yes, true it gets me clean, but then again so would a sand blaster or some brillo pads. As I reach past the miracle curtain (Ill explain why I call it that in a moment) and pull the water nozzle out, the flow of water starts. This is all seemingly very normal. I adjust the nozzle between hot and cold to find a pleasingly gentle temperature. I step in and let the water cascade over my head and down my back and close the miracle curtain. It is at this point that all reality becomes unhinged. Egon in Ghostbusters said it best: “Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light”

Without warning or possible explanation, completely outside the realm of probability, the temperature shoots up. Wayyyy up. Like dangerously close to achieving nuclear fission hot. Of course my skin registers this, all the normal and expected pain messages are being sent, the brain is getting them but its mistakenly filed under “Bullshit” because nothing can be this hot. Before the annoying pain messages stack up to the point where the brain can no longer ignore this alarm, like a photographic negative the temperature shoots down. Wayyyy down. Even Lord William Thomson Kelvin, who developed the idea of the "Second Law of Thermodynamics", would be surprised and intrigued by this absence of heat. How does water stay liquid at absolute zero? How does my skin stay attached to my flesh? How am I possibly still alive? I did mention that reality becomes unhinged, didn’t I? I was not kidding. Then the granddaddy of all suck appears, the miracle curtain. Yes, that cheap piece of shit plastic curtain that I originally thought was a good idea at first. The curtain that is supposed to keep the shower water in the shower and off my floor. Supposed to keep a stable temperature between the rest of the bathroom and the interior of the shower. (hahahahahahaha… sorry). But what it does best would have the guys at Elmer’s, Crazy Glue, and Velcro pissing themselves for joy. It becomes a self propelled, intelligent predator. With the ability to keep its surface from sticking to anything at all, however bonding to my skin at a level so deep I can taste and cry polyvinyl chloride. No wait, stop and picture this. No, really its amusing. Me. The Dichotomies of Temperature blasting out of my shower head. My miracle curtain bonding to me and wrapping itself all over my limbs and leaking water all over my floor. You’re laughing aren’t you? Please god, laugh for me .. laugh or Ill cry.

There is one more thing to share about my showering experience. One final blow to my sanity. The last kick to the teeth before the day is ready to progress. As I fiddle with the nozzle in an attempt to stabilize the temperature, all the while fighting the curtain, and withholding the desire to scream and punch everything around me the curtain is whisked away. Pulled away from me as if by angels and I am free. Or am I? No.. I am not.. it was pulled off of me by my girlfriend who pokes her head in and removes every last shred of dignity I had, looks me up and down and yells in the aforementioned sonic blast voice “Hurry the fuck up, you take longer showers that a woman!” Having just suffered the scathingly cold air and fought the sub Kelvin scale temperatures of the water, you can well imagine, if you are a man, what that does to your nether region. I don’t care if your John motherfucking Holmes or Tommy Lee. When your “cock and ball housing group” is exposed to dangerously low temperatures it shrinks. Yeah.. so there I was. Shivering, naked, wet, not even fully awake, being yelled at. Pathetic. But the shower has ended and its time to dress. Heh.. talk to ya soon..

Welcome to my hell! :)

Thanks for coming by and checking this out. You probably got here because you were doing a web search on something that interested you and this is what the search engine gave you. If that’s the case and you did not find what you are looking for, I am sorry in advance. If you were looking for this site, then I think it is safe to say either I know you personally or you have a penchant for self abuse. Maybe you can use the info you find here for self-discovery or maybe even a little chuckle at my pain. Make no mistake this site is about my pain. Why should you care? I don’t know. Maybe you will merely become quickly bored and make up your mind that I am in need of counseling... Deep, intensive counseling. Let me give you a little background on the author (that’s me) so maybe you can better appreciate what you will read.

I am a 34 year old Male. That alone speaks volumes for me I am sure. I am Eric Everybody, Christopher Common, Matthew Mundane. The most exciting thing I do everyday is to successfully get my deodorant on in the morning without getting any on the outside of my shirt. But I didn’t used to be a “nobody”. I used to have a pretty good life! But I’ll get more into that later. For now all you really need to know is that I live in New Jersey and I work in New York City. I am going to bring you up to speed on what my day is like soon enough, don’t you worry. But first we are going to have to cover some important facets of my day. Set the stage so to speak. It is important to me to get all this off my chest, share with you, the general public, my pain. You do of course remember that I told you this site is all about my pain, right? Well, if you’re still reading, this is the part you have been waiting for, the good stuff, the meat, the cream filling, all that and the bag of chips. Lets get started, shall we?