Long time.... BUT

I know it has been forever, but that is ok because I am going to start up again. In the meantime you can re-read past posts to get caught up or, you can wait for the new stuff, whichever. I have got to tell you about remodeling a house. It is like being hatched from an egg I suppose... you have to tear down and destroy all that is beautiful around and and that which keeps you safe, all for the promise of something better in the end.

Home Owner

Well, we closed on the house. We are home owners. I just unwittingly became Tim the fuckin Tool-Man Taylor, more to follow....

3 Weeks Till Closing

Well peeps, I am 3 weeks till closing on a new house. I get to flex my manly talent muscles and do flooring, tear out walls, build counter tops, cabinets and the like. I just know my girlfriend is going to have a list of things for me to do at least a mile long, but it is exciting. How sweet is it to have your own backyard? I mean, I can start fires, plant trees, build a spaceship, bury bodies and make a bomb shelter if it pleases me. I'll keep ya'll posted as to my progress, maybe even with some pics.

My Honey Bee

I will describe her for you, if I can, let me give it a try.
Keep in mind this is from my heart and by no means a lie.
If I told you when she smiles and it’s towards you,
That it had the power to turn rainy, grey, skies all blue?
If I told you that her voice was like the sweet softest chord,
Played in your favorite song, would that sound overboard?
Or how about when she walks by and casts you a glance over her right shoulder,
How it made you feel, how your heart skipped, and you wish you could hold her.
Oh wait! Let me mention her hair! It’s dreamy and to die for, have you seen?
The way it surrounds her face, or draped behind her ear, do you know what I mean?
Would you believe that time can stand still when you’re lost in her eyes?
It's true, I've been there, and when the moments gone a part of you dies.
There is so much more to say, but I don’t know if I should.
Will the words be wasted, will they do any good?
I guess I’ll just wait and see… maybe someday... she'll marry me.

Every have one of those days?

One of those days when you could take someone and set them in a room and have them totally focus on you and listen to you and hear what you have to say to them? In this particular case I would sing, and to them i would sing the following.

U2 - Kite
Something is about to give
I can feel it coming
I think I know what it means
I'm not afraid to die
I'm not afraid to live
And when I'm flat on my back
I hope to feel like I did

'cause hardness, it sets in
You need some protection
The thinner the skin

I want you to know
That you don't need me anymore
I want you to know
You don't need anyone, or anything at all

Who's to say where the wind will take you
Who's to say what it is will break you
I don't know, which way the wind will blow
Who's to know when the time has come around
Don't want to see you cry
I know that this is not goodbye

In summer I can taste the salt in the sea
There's a kite blowing out of control on a breeze
I wonder what's gonna happen to you
You wonder what has happened to me

I'm a man, I'm not a child
A man who sees
The shadow behind your eyes

Who's to say where the wind will take you
Who's to say what it is will break you
I don't know, where the wind will blow
Who's to know when the time has come around
I don't want to see you cry
I know that this is not goodbye

Did I waste it?
Not so much I couldn't taste it
Life should be fragrant
Roof top to the basement
The last of the rocks stars
When hip-hop drove the big cars
In the time when new media
Was the big idea
What was the big idea?

*shrugs*

-Matthew

La La La How Life Goes On:

Ob-La-Di-Ob-La-Da...

Since the first of the year, my girlfriend and I have been looking at houses to buy. A house is something I never imagined I would have, ever. To be truthful it is not really going to be mine at all, but I get to live there and work on it. I am not going on any of the paperwork and we are not married, but we have been together for about 13 years now so it feels like marriage and it feels like my house too. It is probably the closest thing I will ever have to a house so I am just going to enjoy it. We make an offer on the house today and see where it goes from there. We are both very hopeful and she made sure she picked a house that would accommodate children... yeah children. She wants to have kids with me?! Me?! Does she know who I am?

I think I am a decent guy but role model? Oh hell no. Scares me a little to think what kind of child I would raise. But if she thinks I am good enough to reproduce and add my 2 cents to the worlds population I guess that says a little about how she feels about me. Kinda makes me smile. My whole world is standing on the precipice of change, what shall become of Mr. Mundane I wonder..

The Responsible Choice:

I have owned a few of the most irresponsible vehicles a person of my income can own in the past. But with the price of gas the way it is now, it is like most people can not even afford to drive, and if you can afford it, you really should make a good choice as to what kind of vehicle you are going to be driving. Muscle cars, Trucks, RV's, SUV's, anything over 4 cylinders and 36 MPG is straight stupid. Two weeks ago I bought a new car. A 2008 Yaris Sedan. yeah ok, so the picture is of a 2007, but there are few changes this year. Mine is Gun Metal Grey Flake paint. To tell you the truth, its a super zippy car and I have gone 412 miles on one tank of gas. The only thing I am not used to is the all power all the time rack and pinion steering. Usually when you drive down the road, there is a little drift in the steering. This vehicle has zero drift an any little movement on the wheel sends you careening over into the next lane. After you get used to that, the car is a dream. The stereo thumps out some excellent sounds, the car is silent at 80MPH and again, the gas mileage owns. I of course would have gotten a hybrid but they are still too pricey, and with a sticker price of 12.9K on my Yaris... unbeatable. I have asked my girlfriend to hurry up and help me christen the backseat since this is our first new car together, but that hasn't happened yet. I have yet to use the car in a vehicular homicide yet so I can not comment on how efficiently it kills people, but as soon as I do run my first person down, back up and run them over again, I will let you know how the shocks absorb the bump and the bumpers fare in the impact. From what I can see the windshield is angled just right as to send a person straight up in the air with limbs flailing, this is also a bonus.

Halloween:

Today is Halloween. Something is bothering me about people during Halloween and I am going to share it.

1. If your costume is not scary or spooky, YOU ARE A FUCKING IDIOT.
God I would like to set you on fire and let you run around screaming. The whole fucking point of Halloween (In case you missed it folks) is to scare away evil spirits who roam the land looking for a body to inhabit. (Celtic Legend) A fireman, a cell phone, a hooker, dancers, cops, political figures (with the exception of our president who actually is fucking scary), cartoon characters, are all right out the window. If you dressed up like one of these or anything not at all scary... FUCK YOU. You are an idiot who completely missed the point of the best holiday ever and you should die. Die horribly and viciously at the hands of the people who actually got the whole point of Halloween.

2. Dressing up babies and pets. This is borderline tolerable and can be slightly cute but don't overdo it. For one, this is for YOU and not for them. I promise you they aren't enjoying it and would never do it on their own, so get them out of that shit as soon as you get the pictures taken so they can recover from your selfish endeavour.

3. Giving out bullshit treats. Walk down to the local grocery store, look at the candy isle and take note of the candy displayed there. That is what you should be giving out (bite size is fine), not pennies, and dimes and dollars or whatever. Apples are ok because they are traditional, but don't hide razors, sewing needles, THC, LSD, or anything fucked up in it... that's just wrong. If you try to hand out any other bullshit treat, you should be pulled from your house and your head should be stomped on by the kids until your welcome mat is soaked in your brain matter. No shit people, don't skimp on the treats.

4. Turning out your lights and hiding from Trick or Treaters. Oh you are really asking for trouble by doing this. If you don't want to participate in Halloween, ok, whatever that's your choice, just be prepared to face the consequences. What I used to do to you cheap, miserable fucks who would go out or not participate, I cant even tell you because I am sure it is an open case with the detectives and FBI in my hometown and I am not signing any confession. Lets just say Trick or Treat is serious shit.

Now that this is off my chest I feel better. I cant wait till people start showing up at my house tonight, I have some ridiculous amounts of high quality candy, some kick ass Jack 'O Lanterns, and I am ready! Have a Happy Halloween people, do it right, have fun!

Castor Lives:

So my cat is back from the vet and he is doing pretty well. The thing that has me most concerned is that what I took him into the vet for, they were unable to diagnose. That being said, he seems fine now. I broight him in because he had an appetite, but no matter what he ate he would regurgitate hours later and he was losing weight... fast. I had a nickname for him; "Castor Steamshovel Head" Because when he ate he would take huge bites and barely swallow, he was voracious! But then.. later, it would all just come up. Took him to the vet the first time, they found a bladder stone but said it could not be the problem and sent him home saying he had a food alergy. I literally tried every food out there and nothing worked, always with the throwing up... Took him back again and told them they are wrong, something is wrong with him and they removed the stone but told me they had no idea why he was vomiting. Well... with the stone out, he is now no longer throwing up and eating fine.

You would think that they could figure out that somehow the stone was causing this, but they still refuse to believe it. When you look at the clues and subtract things that are not fact, or proveable, what you have left, no matter how bizzare, must be the solution. Fuckin doctors... Anyhow, I am mentally more stable now and at ease knowing my little buddy is better now and recovering well. It wont be long before I am sure he is yelling at me, following me around and throwing himself under my feet. At least I wont have to turn into Dexter and spend the rest of my life quenching my thirst on uneducated and unobservant vets. *whew*

One of my turns:

Day after day, love turns grey
Like the skin of a dying man.
Night after night, we pretend its all right
But I have grown older and
You have grown colder and
Nothing is very much fun any more.
And I can feel one of my turns coming on.
I feel cold as a razor blade,
Tight as a tourniquet,
Dry as a funeral drum.

It is not a good day. My cat has been at the vet for 4 days, the doctors have no idea what is wrong with him, they have done just about all diagnostic procedures they can possibly do on him, and today they open him up and look around. We lost his brother that way. No one knew what was wrong with him, they opened him up to see what was wrong and they never even sewed him back up, they put him to sleep from there.

Obviously I am very worried history will repeat itself.

On top of this, pile disappointment, confusion, jealousy, anger, and emptiness and you have my day in a nutshell. I am a prime candidate for the Devil, should he exist, to make one hell of a deal on a slightly used soul.

Run to the bedroom,
In the suitcase on the left
You'll find my favorite axe.
Don't look so frightened
This is just a passing phase,
One of my bad days.

I feel like the walls are closing in, the ceiling is falling and the floor is pushing me upwards into oblivion. This little box I will end up in will be my coffin, but also my wall. I have not had walls u p around me and my heart and soul since a teenager. In fact it is probably why I am back here again watching the walls go up and the box grow tighter.

Would you like to watch T.V.?
Or get between the sheets?
Or contemplate the silent freeway?
Would you like something to eat?
Would you like to learn to fly?
Would'ya?... Would you like to see me try?

I am not a selfish man, I do not try to burden others with my problems and I do not often reach out and look for a helping hand. I try to be strong and stand on my own and be the person I am expected to be. But you cant be this all the time, thee is always something to stumble on and when you least expect it, you will and I have. I truly feel, one of my turns coming on.

Would you like to call the cops?
Do you think it's time I stopped?
Why are you running away?