Fuckin' NJTRANSIT:
If any of you have taken NJTransit for any reason then you really don’t have to read much further down. You already know the hell it is to have no other viable option to get to the city from certain parts of New Jersey. I’m not fuckin around here, its pretty bad. There are certain people who are always on this forsaken form of transportation. A few key people who you can bet your last dollar that they are there. They are the following.
Mr.Knees – You see him walking down the aisle towards you, he looks decent enough. He does not reek of urine, this is a bonus. Your average looking guy all the way around, until he sits behind you. Suddenly you are propelled forward in your seat at just below the speed of sound and strike the seat in front of you with enough force to cause a domino effect on all the passengers on your side of the train. People striking the seats in front of them with such force and velocity that the poor guy at the end of this lethal assault explodes into a bloody mist of vapor gore and bone and hair! The guy behind you… his knees are so far up into the back of your seat you can look down at your chest and make out the pattern of the cloth on his pants because its poking through your skin. Its like leaning back on a javelin the whole ride and he constantly moves his feet around to cause maximum discomfort. Maximum Discomfort is a priority in the njtransit system.
Mr.Cuddles – No matter how empty your bus or train is, no matter what time of day you travel. Mr. Cuddles will want to sit with you. You could have a pyramid of eggs, a landmine and three cases of Rattlesnakes in the seat beside you that you are transporting. You could even have a tattoo on your forehead that reads “Poor Impulse Control”. This guy wants you to move everything out of his way so he can sit down next to you. It does not matter that the seat in front of and behind you are completely empty. It does not matter how harsh a look you cast at him. It does not matter what you say or do, because this man is getting that seat if he has to stand the whole way home while you clear it off for him. Mr. Cuddles is incapeable of riding any form of transportation while sitting in a seat by him self. This guy is a relative of Mr. Knees too. He is not content now with having the seat next to you, no not quite content yet. He wants your seat too. And he is going to inch over ever so slowly closer to you the entire trip. His knees and elbows will seem to be slowly expanding and taking up more and more of your room until you are pressed so tightly against the window that you yourself are becoming transparent. This is his goal. The irony of this guy is astounding. He can not sit without you, yet he can not stand you sitting next to him. This guy I would love to kill. I would love to place my hand on his forehead for leverage, reach into his mouth and take hold of his bottom jaw and yank it off. And then I would like to punch him in the neck and face with his own jaw continually. But before I get to violently agitated telling you about this guy, let me move on to…
Mrs. Mom – Mrs. Mom is the lady who sits next to you, infallibly, with a child or two who is not quite bus/train broken yet. While the majority of the haggard, desperate people on this form of transportation are hoping to catch a few minutes of peaceful sleep, or get some last minute work done, or perhaps to relax and read a nice book, Mrs. Mom has other plans. Mrs. Mom is going to inevitably do something to piss her kid off so bad that it is going to scream bloody murder for a full hour. You’ll be moments from peaceful sleep, or about to get to the most exciting part of your book, or developing a new formula for a undiscovered cure for cancer on your laptop when suddenly it sounds like someone ran over a sack of vocally enhanced cats. They will continue to yell and scream for the entire trip. Mrs.Mom will do absolutely nothing to stop this and get an attitude with anyone who looks at her sideways about the yelling. God forbid you actually mention it, she’ll fuckin kill you.There are more characters I will share with you as time goes on. For now I want these people to sink in to your psyche. Invariably, one or two or all of them are always on my bus or train and sitting infront, behind or next to me the whole time. I shit you not. I'll revisit this for you later.
Mr.Knees – You see him walking down the aisle towards you, he looks decent enough. He does not reek of urine, this is a bonus. Your average looking guy all the way around, until he sits behind you. Suddenly you are propelled forward in your seat at just below the speed of sound and strike the seat in front of you with enough force to cause a domino effect on all the passengers on your side of the train. People striking the seats in front of them with such force and velocity that the poor guy at the end of this lethal assault explodes into a bloody mist of vapor gore and bone and hair! The guy behind you… his knees are so far up into the back of your seat you can look down at your chest and make out the pattern of the cloth on his pants because its poking through your skin. Its like leaning back on a javelin the whole ride and he constantly moves his feet around to cause maximum discomfort. Maximum Discomfort is a priority in the njtransit system.
Mr.Cuddles – No matter how empty your bus or train is, no matter what time of day you travel. Mr. Cuddles will want to sit with you. You could have a pyramid of eggs, a landmine and three cases of Rattlesnakes in the seat beside you that you are transporting. You could even have a tattoo on your forehead that reads “Poor Impulse Control”. This guy wants you to move everything out of his way so he can sit down next to you. It does not matter that the seat in front of and behind you are completely empty. It does not matter how harsh a look you cast at him. It does not matter what you say or do, because this man is getting that seat if he has to stand the whole way home while you clear it off for him. Mr. Cuddles is incapeable of riding any form of transportation while sitting in a seat by him self. This guy is a relative of Mr. Knees too. He is not content now with having the seat next to you, no not quite content yet. He wants your seat too. And he is going to inch over ever so slowly closer to you the entire trip. His knees and elbows will seem to be slowly expanding and taking up more and more of your room until you are pressed so tightly against the window that you yourself are becoming transparent. This is his goal. The irony of this guy is astounding. He can not sit without you, yet he can not stand you sitting next to him. This guy I would love to kill. I would love to place my hand on his forehead for leverage, reach into his mouth and take hold of his bottom jaw and yank it off. And then I would like to punch him in the neck and face with his own jaw continually. But before I get to violently agitated telling you about this guy, let me move on to…
Mrs. Mom – Mrs. Mom is the lady who sits next to you, infallibly, with a child or two who is not quite bus/train broken yet. While the majority of the haggard, desperate people on this form of transportation are hoping to catch a few minutes of peaceful sleep, or get some last minute work done, or perhaps to relax and read a nice book, Mrs. Mom has other plans. Mrs. Mom is going to inevitably do something to piss her kid off so bad that it is going to scream bloody murder for a full hour. You’ll be moments from peaceful sleep, or about to get to the most exciting part of your book, or developing a new formula for a undiscovered cure for cancer on your laptop when suddenly it sounds like someone ran over a sack of vocally enhanced cats. They will continue to yell and scream for the entire trip. Mrs.Mom will do absolutely nothing to stop this and get an attitude with anyone who looks at her sideways about the yelling. God forbid you actually mention it, she’ll fuckin kill you.There are more characters I will share with you as time goes on. For now I want these people to sink in to your psyche. Invariably, one or two or all of them are always on my bus or train and sitting infront, behind or next to me the whole time. I shit you not. I'll revisit this for you later.
Labels: Comedy, Commuting, Life, NJ Transit
posted by Matthew Mundane at 7:35 PM
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