Nothing Is As It Appears To Be

So this morning I get up after a mere 4 hours sleep, there is no hot water in my building, so I am forced to splash icy cold water on myself. I then have to lather up the soap with icy cold water clinging to me, a nifty cool breeze blowing on me and no promise of anything warm whatsoever in my immediate future. Then comes the unbearable rinse. I make it out to my car and it would not start. It took me literally 15 minutes of wearing my battery down to almost nothing till it finally turned over. Clearly something is terribly wrong with it. Then there was the bus ride in to work... those of you who have been following this average life are well aware of my bus problems... I have some serious ass bus problems. However today was unique in that the bus I was on was clearly made for dwarfs. The seats had absolutly no room for your legs at all and yet the seats in front of you could recline back. You would literally have to have no legs at all to sit there with the seat in front of you leaned all the way back. And yet the woman in front of me attempted to recline fully. Quite simply this was not possible as my knees were already pressed up against the back of her seat, however, this would not deter her from trying with a tenacity rarely seen in a non life threatening situation. She was hurling herself and all of her weight against the back of the seat while looking at me, one hand on the lever that allows her seat to recline and the other on the head rest. Clearly she could see my body recoil and shake with each increasingly forceful attempt she made. The look of utter disbelief combined with the scary feeling one gets right before a bone snaps in ther leg was written on my face as I looked her in the eye during all of this. She did not care. She kept trying. The urge to drop all human rational thinking and embrace the purely animal instinct of killing was overwhelming, but I did what every guy does. I ignored her as best as possible and closed my eyes for some sleep. I arrive at my destination, good old Port Authority NYC. Every morning I get coffee at Au Bon Pain and walk the half a block to work. However this morning at the coffee shop they did not have those lovely littel cardboard sleeves the slide over the cup so that the scalding hot coffee does not remove skin or set you aflame while drinking what is markedly close to molten lead. So I held my cup of coffee as I walked to work, the fingers wrapped around the cup are tingling and no doubt forming blisters. So I get to work only to find out that our website is down and clients who pay us many thousands of dollars are not pleased with us.

Now... you would think that this would be a fucking terrible morning, right? But this is my world, and here baby... Nothing is as it appears to be. I am in a good mood and nothing can touch me. Thanks to quid I have a song stuck in my head... All ya need is love.

A New Idea...

It occured to me this morning while watching people move around that they tend to do so in a very un-hurried fashion. Now im not talking about your average human walking down the street in NYC, Im talking about people moving in and out of vehicles and buildings. When they encounter a complicated device .. like say... a door, they become befuddled. Why do people think that doors are the equivalent to a Yellow Light? Lets take a subway for instance. On a subway car, the train can not continue to move unless the doors are closed. Even if it is full to the brim with people, so much that youre practically dry humping the person in front of you, that one more person thinks they can squeeze in? This person wedges themself in the smallest possible palce and without fail, something of theirs is left hanging outside of the train. The doors try to close and they can not. So there we are stuck until we all suddenly become double jointed and preform contortionist acts to let this son of a bitch in. You know what would please me? If all doors in the city were hydrolic enhanced spring loaded objects and were razor sharp. Imagine then how fast people would get the frick in or out of a train or bus... no more taking your dam time and trying to make everyone late for work.. if part of you is sticking out, its going to be severed and left behind. I can see it now... someguy: excuse me, please make room, I have to get on this train, there has to be room I know you can all squeeze just a lit.. *SHUNK* All Aboard mother fucker! bwa ha ha ha ha... When I create an isolated island off the coast of Mexico some day.. this is the technology i will have in place.. in my perfect world. kthxbye

Fuckin' NJTRANSIT:

If any of you have taken NJTransit for any reason then you really don’t have to read much further down. You already know the hell it is to have no other viable option to get to the city from certain parts of New Jersey. I’m not fuckin around here, its pretty bad. There are certain people who are always on this forsaken form of transportation. A few key people who you can bet your last dollar that they are there. They are the following.

Mr.Knees – You see him walking down the aisle towards you, he looks decent enough. He does not reek of urine, this is a bonus. Your average looking guy all the way around, until he sits behind you. Suddenly you are propelled forward in your seat at just below the speed of sound and strike the seat in front of you with enough force to cause a domino effect on all the passengers on your side of the train. People striking the seats in front of them with such force and velocity that the poor guy at the end of this lethal assault explodes into a bloody mist of vapor gore and bone and hair! The guy behind you… his knees are so far up into the back of your seat you can look down at your chest and make out the pattern of the cloth on his pants because its poking through your skin. Its like leaning back on a javelin the whole ride and he constantly moves his feet around to cause maximum discomfort. Maximum Discomfort is a priority in the njtransit system.

Mr.Cuddles – No matter how empty your bus or train is, no matter what time of day you travel. Mr. Cuddles will want to sit with you. You could have a pyramid of eggs, a landmine and three cases of Rattlesnakes in the seat beside you that you are transporting. You could even have a tattoo on your forehead that reads “Poor Impulse Control”. This guy wants you to move everything out of his way so he can sit down next to you. It does not matter that the seat in front of and behind you are completely empty. It does not matter how harsh a look you cast at him. It does not matter what you say or do, because this man is getting that seat if he has to stand the whole way home while you clear it off for him. Mr. Cuddles is incapeable of riding any form of transportation while sitting in a seat by him self. This guy is a relative of Mr. Knees too. He is not content now with having the seat next to you, no not quite content yet. He wants your seat too. And he is going to inch over ever so slowly closer to you the entire trip. His knees and elbows will seem to be slowly expanding and taking up more and more of your room until you are pressed so tightly against the window that you yourself are becoming transparent. This is his goal. The irony of this guy is astounding. He can not sit without you, yet he can not stand you sitting next to him. This guy I would love to kill. I would love to place my hand on his forehead for leverage, reach into his mouth and take hold of his bottom jaw and yank it off. And then I would like to punch him in the neck and face with his own jaw continually. But before I get to violently agitated telling you about this guy, let me move on to…

Mrs. Mom – Mrs. Mom is the lady who sits next to you, infallibly, with a child or two who is not quite bus/train broken yet. While the majority of the haggard, desperate people on this form of transportation are hoping to catch a few minutes of peaceful sleep, or get some last minute work done, or perhaps to relax and read a nice book, Mrs. Mom has other plans. Mrs. Mom is going to inevitably do something to piss her kid off so bad that it is going to scream bloody murder for a full hour. You’ll be moments from peaceful sleep, or about to get to the most exciting part of your book, or developing a new formula for a undiscovered cure for cancer on your laptop when suddenly it sounds like someone ran over a sack of vocally enhanced cats. They will continue to yell and scream for the entire trip. Mrs.Mom will do absolutely nothing to stop this and get an attitude with anyone who looks at her sideways about the yelling. God forbid you actually mention it, she’ll fuckin kill you.There are more characters I will share with you as time goes on. For now I want these people to sink in to your psyche. Invariably, one or two or all of them are always on my bus or train and sitting infront, behind or next to me the whole time. I shit you not. I'll revisit this for you later.