I want a fast car.

I used to have a fast car. One of my first vehicles was a 1971 Chevy Nova SS. That car was so fast that I used to get where I was going before I left. *blink blink* I would be crusin down the road and cars that I passed would stall because my intake manifold was suckin in so much air that there was not enough oxygen in the surrounding air to keep their cars running. In fact when I went by the vacuume created by my car passing through time and space would cause their head lights to explode and their eyes to burst out of their heads violently! I am sure you are familiar with the phrase "Burn Rubber" well I burned so much rubber it was crazy. You know how a gun has a clip for bullets and a new bullet pops into place when you shoot one? Well I had Tire Clips on the back of my car so that when I spent a set, *ca-click* a new set popped out of the clip. heh yeah thats some shit right there huh? And I had a blower and on top of that another blower and on top of that I had a nitrous kit that was forced into the blower and fed by a turbo. And then guess what happened to my car? My beloved Nova... My best friend coveted it, so much so that he begged me to sell it to him. Begged a lot.. on many occasions. I caved in because I like to see people happy, I like it when people get what they want. So I sold it to him for half of what it is worth, and he only paid me half of what I asked for it. A few years later he totaled it, adn sold it for scrap to a junk yard. There is a moral of this story, and I think that it is: If you love something set it free, if it comes back to you its yours. If it does not, its because someone wanted it more than you, stole it from you, shit all over it and threw it away.

Men: Pigs or Observant Telepaths?

Standing out on the sidewalk for my daily smoke break I am much to curious to keep my eyes on the ground. I like to look at people as they walk by. I look at men and women of course, both are equally as bizzare and I like to take note of social behavior patterns. One curious behavior that seems to dominate the street scene I will bring to light here for you today. There is a vast difference between women and men as they walk down the street to their destinations. Women walk fast and with their eyes straight ahead, they do not look up, or down, or sideways and they are usually tight liped as they walk. It is as if they are being chased by something terrible.

The men on the other hand are looking absolutly everywhere and at everyone. Their eyes are like radar dishes tracking incomming missles constantly swirling and bobbing and moving up and down. But also men are looking at eachother. For example: Guy A is walking behind Girl A, eyes furiously moving in multiple directions in Girl A's direction. Girl A is staring straight ahead and walking like a toy soldier avoiding eye contact with anything and everything with eyes on the street. Guy A see's Guy B approaching in an oncomming direction. Guy B's eyes are of course scanning the hell out of Girl A. Guy A nods to Guy B and they both know exactly what eachother is thinking. No words are shared or notes are passed. They just "know". A massive ammount of information was just transfered between Guy A and Guy B. Telepathically? Bio-Electrically? Pheremones? who knows... but if you ask me, Men seem to be far more aware and observant of their surroundings based on my initial discovery on the streets of New York. Maybe it is why we are better drivers... we can tell another guy just by looking at him "Hey, get the fuck out of my lane and wake the hell up!" While when we see a woman driving, there is no communication at all, except to Guy B who pulls up on the other side of this woman and again... both men.. just.. know.

(this post is for amusment purposes only)

A Day In The Life... At Work:

So now it is time for me to tell you about an average day at my work. Mind you this is not everyday, just an average day, a snapshot frozen in time and handed out to you, my lovely readers (hahaha like I have any) so that you may enjoy. Thus far I have taken you through my waking up, showering, and part of my commute. I do plan on finishing my commute for you, however more and more incredible things are happening to me daily while I travel that I have not had the time to put it to words, but rest assured, I shall. Ok.. work.. lets go.

As I arrive at my place of employment, knees and back sore from my iron maiden like surroundings, courtesy of NJTransit. This is a time of gathering ones strength as I stand outside, downstairs and sip blessed and soothing coffee. I am grasping the cup with both hands and holding it close to my face as if it was a life preserver and I was sinking in the sea of things that suck. A cigarette provides a little comfort as I prepare to enter work, but I am still very dissapointed with my cigarettes. I have smoked them for almost 10 years now and they still have not killed me as promised. But I continue to give them their day in court in hopes that they will soon take some fucking initiative and do what they are supposed to do. As I flick the spent butt out into the street and pivot on my heels towards the door I am suddenly greeted with a co-worker.

The innundation of questions I am the recipient of is staggering. Questions that I hate to answer because they are blaringly obvious and require zero thought. People tend to ask questions they already know the answer to, as if looking for confirmation. Yet sometimes they ask them of ME when there is no possible way I should know them. For insatance, this question always makes me grit my teeth. "Ok, is there anything I should know that I dont know?" That one always makes me take pause and consider it, because as a techie, we try to answer everything or at least analyze and respond. But this is my quintessential "divide by zero" question. If I were a robot and not a squishy organic life form, this would short my circuits and destroy my processors.. or at least a total system crash. However I am fortunate enough to not be a robot and this merely aggrivates me to the point of homocide. I would love to answer that question with "Yes, as a matter of fact there is something you should know, that you appearently don't know... You are a fucking idiot. That being said, now you know everything! You can die with a smile and now is a great time!" Followed by a pummeling that would compare to tossing someone into the back of a cement mixer truck with a few hundred bowling balls...

So I have already been aggrivated to the point of unleashing death and I have not even made it to the elevator. I know that a thousand more questions that should never be asked of me are coming and soon I will be expected to answer them all. Funny thing about careers, and you can test this theroy yourself... but ask someone, anyone, what they wanted to be when they "grew up" and probably all of them are going to tell you something completly different than what they are currently doing. I am no exception. Careers happen to you based on situation and opportunity.. but they are seldom what you want. I have to go now, I am being asked to go look at a set of speakers that are not playing on someones computer... I bet my life and all my worldly possessions that they are not plugged in properly and a simple ammount of investigation made by the user could solve this themselfs. However because it is attached to or within 500 miles of a computer, they consider this my territory and can not, and will not touch it. Like its a union job and they would be fired if they attempted to solve something on their own. Marvin the Paranoid Android... I feel you man... I feel you.

A New Idea...

It occured to me this morning while watching people move around that they tend to do so in a very un-hurried fashion. Now im not talking about your average human walking down the street in NYC, Im talking about people moving in and out of vehicles and buildings. When they encounter a complicated device .. like say... a door, they become befuddled. Why do people think that doors are the equivalent to a Yellow Light? Lets take a subway for instance. On a subway car, the train can not continue to move unless the doors are closed. Even if it is full to the brim with people, so much that youre practically dry humping the person in front of you, that one more person thinks they can squeeze in? This person wedges themself in the smallest possible palce and without fail, something of theirs is left hanging outside of the train. The doors try to close and they can not. So there we are stuck until we all suddenly become double jointed and preform contortionist acts to let this son of a bitch in. You know what would please me? If all doors in the city were hydrolic enhanced spring loaded objects and were razor sharp. Imagine then how fast people would get the frick in or out of a train or bus... no more taking your dam time and trying to make everyone late for work.. if part of you is sticking out, its going to be severed and left behind. I can see it now... someguy: excuse me, please make room, I have to get on this train, there has to be room I know you can all squeeze just a lit.. *SHUNK* All Aboard mother fucker! bwa ha ha ha ha... When I create an isolated island off the coast of Mexico some day.. this is the technology i will have in place.. in my perfect world. kthxbye