Bad Dog:
Who in the hell broke into my account and wrote that sappy bullshit yesterday? That ain't me! Nawww I'am the guy who smokes more than Dennis Leary and is about 10x more pissed off! Yeah! I know what it was. I had quit smoking as a New Years resolution and it had drained me of my evil powers. The evil powers of perception and smite and angst. So I went out this morning bought a pack of smokes and now it's on. Let me the stage for you, for my most recent dilemma. I have not held a regular job for the past 9 months. I decided that since the girlfriend had a regular job and made enough money for us both, that I would take the time off and do what it is in life that I wanted to do. Write a book. So that is what I have been doing with my time. It has become my job. I cook, clean, do the dishes and laundry and vacuum... Everything around the house, and when I have time I write. You would think a woman would appreciate this kind of role reversal in this day and age, right? heh WRONG.
So there I am, putting the finishing touches on the tedious job of cleaning up after a home cooked meal, which by the way I make sure is ready on the table for when she gets home, and I sit on the couch under a blanket. One of our cats decideds to jump up in my lap and get comfortable and I feel the anger meter in my head dip a couple of degrees in the negative direction. The calming effect is nice. but in through the door busts an angry woman who throws her coat at me (its my job to hang it) and begins yelling at me in a shrill voice. "Must be nice to sit on your fucking ass all day long and do nothing while I bust my ass at work and put up with idiots all day long." Now you would think, knowing me as you do, that this would immediately throw me into a "Hulk Smash" like rage. Where I leap from the couch after having torn my shirt off and ripped my pants in all the appropriate places... (Side track: Why in the hell didn't the Hulks pants come off? Is a Hulk sized penis not part of the whole metamorphosis deal or what? If not, where is the benefit? I don't get it.) But no. I breathe in deeply and smile and say, "How was your day honey?" That is akin to throwing military grade C4 on a nuclear fire and it starts a tyraid of complaining and hate that would make Alanis Morrisette seem happy and well adjusted. "How was my day? How was your fucking day? Why are there so many lights on in the house? Why is the kitchen a mess? What are you doing sitting on the couch? When are you getting a fucking job?" and on and on it goes.
It is at this point where I must make an important decision. Life is full of these tiny little forks in the road. You know them well, you have them, I am sure. One road will lead you to the "higher road" less traveled. The one where you smile and comfort your loved one after a hard days work and eventually they will calm down and all will be well. But in doing so, must swallow your pride, and anger at having being beaten down emotionally like a bad dog. Knowing full well you too busted your ass all day long, picking up after her mess, making sure she comes home to a warm happy home with a nice dinner on the table, and squeezing every last bit of creativity out of your very being trying to write a compelling and interesting book. OR... You can retaliate in kind, with the same amount of energy and anger you just received. Which did I choose, you're now asking yourself?
I got up slowly from the couch, I am sure there was a flicker of "KILL" in my eye when I did. For a moment in time I looked to my right and saw the camera man of life focusing in on the scene, strangely enough on the side of the camera was "Faces of Death". Ever wonder how they get all that neat and horrible accident and mutilation on tape? These guys are paranormal telepaths with fortune telling powers, they always seem to be at the scene of a grizzly accident. I took this as my first warning. On the left, sitting on my couch with my cat in his lap was the Emperor Palpatine from Return of the Jedi, laughing and saying; "Yesss, yessss, I can feel the hate swelling within you, pick up that candlestick holder and strike her down with it, and your journey to the dark side will be complete." Oh Tantalus, dost thou need to hold the grapes so close to my mouth?! Ahh, but you're still wondering what I did...
I took a deep breath and turned to the Emperor and said "I will never join you, I am a jedi like my father before me." Under my breath of course. You see, I was not kidding when I said I saw him sitting there. The longer I go with no human interaction the tighter the rubber band that is my mind gets and someday it's gonna snap. So, like the bad dog I am, I turned off the extra lights in the house, cleaned up the little mess that was left and did my best to calm her. I then spent the rest of the night sitting with her on the couch watching Smallville and rubbing her feet. But before you get all disappointed in me, and feeling as though I might have lost my edge, gone soft, thrown in the towel, keep in mind one thing... I have been checking into prices of Woodchippers.
Until next time.
So there I am, putting the finishing touches on the tedious job of cleaning up after a home cooked meal, which by the way I make sure is ready on the table for when she gets home, and I sit on the couch under a blanket. One of our cats decideds to jump up in my lap and get comfortable and I feel the anger meter in my head dip a couple of degrees in the negative direction. The calming effect is nice. but in through the door busts an angry woman who throws her coat at me (its my job to hang it) and begins yelling at me in a shrill voice. "Must be nice to sit on your fucking ass all day long and do nothing while I bust my ass at work and put up with idiots all day long." Now you would think, knowing me as you do, that this would immediately throw me into a "Hulk Smash" like rage. Where I leap from the couch after having torn my shirt off and ripped my pants in all the appropriate places... (Side track: Why in the hell didn't the Hulks pants come off? Is a Hulk sized penis not part of the whole metamorphosis deal or what? If not, where is the benefit? I don't get it.) But no. I breathe in deeply and smile and say, "How was your day honey?" That is akin to throwing military grade C4 on a nuclear fire and it starts a tyraid of complaining and hate that would make Alanis Morrisette seem happy and well adjusted. "How was my day? How was your fucking day? Why are there so many lights on in the house? Why is the kitchen a mess? What are you doing sitting on the couch? When are you getting a fucking job?" and on and on it goes.
It is at this point where I must make an important decision. Life is full of these tiny little forks in the road. You know them well, you have them, I am sure. One road will lead you to the "higher road" less traveled. The one where you smile and comfort your loved one after a hard days work and eventually they will calm down and all will be well. But in doing so, must swallow your pride, and anger at having being beaten down emotionally like a bad dog. Knowing full well you too busted your ass all day long, picking up after her mess, making sure she comes home to a warm happy home with a nice dinner on the table, and squeezing every last bit of creativity out of your very being trying to write a compelling and interesting book. OR... You can retaliate in kind, with the same amount of energy and anger you just received. Which did I choose, you're now asking yourself?
I got up slowly from the couch, I am sure there was a flicker of "KILL" in my eye when I did. For a moment in time I looked to my right and saw the camera man of life focusing in on the scene, strangely enough on the side of the camera was "Faces of Death". Ever wonder how they get all that neat and horrible accident and mutilation on tape? These guys are paranormal telepaths with fortune telling powers, they always seem to be at the scene of a grizzly accident. I took this as my first warning. On the left, sitting on my couch with my cat in his lap was the Emperor Palpatine from Return of the Jedi, laughing and saying; "Yesss, yessss, I can feel the hate swelling within you, pick up that candlestick holder and strike her down with it, and your journey to the dark side will be complete." Oh Tantalus, dost thou need to hold the grapes so close to my mouth?! Ahh, but you're still wondering what I did...
I took a deep breath and turned to the Emperor and said "I will never join you, I am a jedi like my father before me." Under my breath of course. You see, I was not kidding when I said I saw him sitting there. The longer I go with no human interaction the tighter the rubber band that is my mind gets and someday it's gonna snap. So, like the bad dog I am, I turned off the extra lights in the house, cleaned up the little mess that was left and did my best to calm her. I then spent the rest of the night sitting with her on the couch watching Smallville and rubbing her feet. But before you get all disappointed in me, and feeling as though I might have lost my edge, gone soft, thrown in the towel, keep in mind one thing... I have been checking into prices of Woodchippers.
Until next time.
Labels: Frustration, Girlfriend, House Cleaning, Life
posted by Matthew Mundane at 11:38 AM
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