Your Minds Eye:

I wrote this for my lovely girlfriend many years ago:

Your face to me is a landscape, painted with the hair of angels for brushes, with the tears of gods for paint, and the wings of doves as the canvas. Your beautiful deep and inviting pools, those eyes... sirens to the soul they swallow me whole...

I am so lost in you, your maze of love. Your silken hair, spider wisps in the breeze.
Animated magic, the very action of your smile, calming me creating me anew, a child.

To know you exist is pleasure so intense it hurts. To know you exist away from me now is utter destruction. My goddess, how I love you, you are the heart, you beat the blood that I depend on, that keeps this perfect machine running.

Without you I am not even this thing, I am a psychotic bio cancer. But with you I am like wine, sweet and as flowing from heaven. I promise you my life, it is yours, I am yours... I'm your servant.

Letting Go

If you add up all the things in your life that you have experienced, people you have met and thing you have done. Foods you have tasted, drinks you have enjoyed. Movies you liked, poetry you read. Books you have sat in front of the fireplace reading or.. hell, even your favorite type of porn. All of these things, added up, equal the sum of your life. Because all you have is memories and the present. Anything beyond that is fleeting and useless. Even love is a memory. You remember what it felt like to first kiss and hold this incredible new person, and from there, after the newness fades, your left with the memory of love. And you remain in love with the memory until something new is experienced with this person. If too much time goes by, you forget. And then you "fall out of love". And you let that person go for another new experience, something that can make an imprint on your mind and heart. Another good memory.

You know what my problem is? I cant fucking remember what I had for dinner the night before. I do not remember very much of anything at all. Ever. But this puts me in a unique place that is quite outside the box. Everything is new. Everything is a wonderous experience that keeps me feeling. I am blessed and cursed at the same time. Blessed to forget all the bad things so I do not carry around any baggage at all. None. But cursed because I am intense. I am intense and constantly searching for that next memory. That little something that will make the moment not feel like just another empty day.

Are you like me?

Wake up.

Stop going about your daily life not looking around. Look the next person you pass on the street, or on the bus or passing you in the hall, right in the eye and look deeply, not just at the surface, and say hello.

Stop walking around outside without stopping and listening to everything, open your ears and hear everything. open your eyes and see everything, open your senses and breathe in deeply, WAKE UP! You have been dreaming for months, maybe years. Lulled to sleep by monotony and repition, and you are missing everything.

Hug someone. And when you do it feel them close. Ignore the clothing, ignore the people who may be around you. And let that person be the only person in your world for the next 10 seconds. Breathe them in, send your warmth into them, and touch their skin. You are lonely and sleeping. WAKE UP!

Do this... seriously. You won't regret it.

Welcome to my hell! :)

Thanks for coming by and checking this out. You probably got here because you were doing a web search on something that interested you and this is what the search engine gave you. If that’s the case and you did not find what you are looking for, I am sorry in advance. If you were looking for this site, then I think it is safe to say either I know you personally or you have a penchant for self abuse. Maybe you can use the info you find here for self-discovery or maybe even a little chuckle at my pain. Make no mistake this site is about my pain. Why should you care? I don’t know. Maybe you will merely become quickly bored and make up your mind that I am in need of counseling... Deep, intensive counseling. Let me give you a little background on the author (that’s me) so maybe you can better appreciate what you will read.

I am a 34 year old Male. That alone speaks volumes for me I am sure. I am Eric Everybody, Christopher Common, Matthew Mundane. The most exciting thing I do everyday is to successfully get my deodorant on in the morning without getting any on the outside of my shirt. But I didn’t used to be a “nobody”. I used to have a pretty good life! But I’ll get more into that later. For now all you really need to know is that I live in New Jersey and I work in New York City. I am going to bring you up to speed on what my day is like soon enough, don’t you worry. But first we are going to have to cover some important facets of my day. Set the stage so to speak. It is important to me to get all this off my chest, share with you, the general public, my pain. You do of course remember that I told you this site is all about my pain, right? Well, if you’re still reading, this is the part you have been waiting for, the good stuff, the meat, the cream filling, all that and the bag of chips. Lets get started, shall we?