Coffee and Cream:

"I like my sugar with coffee and cream" - Beastie Boys.

A common mixture of two dissimilar liquids, one cold, one hot, that create a completly different substance. Sitting side by side and on thier own they are both somewhat appealing. Each having qualities and properties desireable to the palate, but when you mix them they bring out the best in each other and become a new thing. A beautiful new thing with unexpected, deliciousness and fragrance. One cooling the other to a temprature that is no longer above the comfortable drinking threshhold, and the other warming it's counterpart, bringing out best that it can be.

Soulmates that just happened to mix on accident one day. Who was the one who brought them together, I doubt anyone knows for sure. All I know is that no morning, afternoon or late evening is complete without them.

Who cares what either substance looks like? Would you care if it was glowing green, or bright orange? What matters most is how it makes you feel, how it tastes! Too many people look with thier eyes and miss an entire world of things that matter most. Eyes, the most decieving organ in the body. I've said my peace.

Cat Saga Continued:

I consider myself to be an attentive cat owner. I pet them, play with them, and feed and water them, as needed. Now you would think this would be enough to keep them happy and satified. You would think that they would appreciate all of the attention and care to the point of being fat lazy happy cats who only meow at you in order to praise you with thanks and contentment. This is not the case. No not even close to the case. Castor, the make cat, the smart one, he meows at me the second my feet hit the ground in the morning. Not just a friendly, happy, meow; more like a death threat. Its the deep Roooowr and staring you straight in the eyes kind of meow that tells me he is abso-fuckin-lutly displeased about something. Being the caretaker I am, I rush out of the bedroom and look at his box (clean), his water dispenser (full and clean), his food dish (half full but available nourishment present). So i dismiss it as perhaps he has bad gas? Or he is not happy with the way my hair was standing up when I first woke up. But he followes me to the kitchen while I try to pour my coffee, follows me into every room of the house throwing himself under my feet. Throwing himself in such a way that he resembles a football player trying to sack the quarterback. It is truly alarming behavior. I am left with the feeling that he is trying to get rid of me in a completly random household accident.

Cops would arrive and find me impaled on a broken cup of coffee and my cat standing on my chest meowing at me like I would be getting up soon to do his bidding. Most cats wont look you in the eye for any length of time, some wont do it at all. Its a respect thing. In nature it is a sign of dominance and ownership. This cat clearly believes he owns me because he WILL NOT look away, ever. He will wait till your eyes are dry and you are slamming the table with your fists in an attempt to take your mind off the fact that your eyes are drying up in their sockets and shriveling up and close to just dropping out.

Another recently discovered peculiar behavior of his is eating as much as he possibly can and vomiting it up in the middle of my hallway or living room, going back eating more and repeating the process as quickly as possible and then complaining to me that his bowl is empty. I know he is not sick, he is a strapping young healthy cat, he is energetic and has had all his shots. he definatly is not sick, but he most certainly is bulemic. Or perhaps he just does it so he can meow more at me, I dont know. Im looking at him right now, no shit, he is eating again.

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You might be wondering what this little guy looks like, so I will provide a picture to help you visualize this. See? Looks like an angel, acts like a devil. He is indeed my cat. more to come.

Farewell Stargate SG-1

Stargate SG-1 has ended its show. While I am compelled to become horribly despondant, commit suicide by sticking my finger in a light socket and letting the birds pick my bones clean until people think I'm a windchime, I hang on. I can not let myself be so affected by the ending of a show. I must admit, the entertainment value of that show had me lulled into bliss and comfort for many years. I learned valuable lessons in life from it, laughed, cried and sat terrified at the plot twists and happenings it provided. The premise of the show was unique, the way in which the story expanded into greater issues and conflict, mirrored life. The characters were diverse and each had individual hurdles to jump and roadblocks to face yet they were one in facing them. I think I most connected with Dr. Daniel Jackson. I by no means place him as my favorite character, I loved them all, I just see his individual challenges closely reflect my own. I am sure if you were an avid watcher of that show you would have a character you most connected with as well. *sigh* I hate when a show ends that I have grown so close to. Like Six Feet Under and Sopranos. On to the next best thing I suppose, although Stargate SG-1 has set the bar so high, I do not know what could be better for me. Only time will tell.

Sold Out:

Your Minds Eye:

I wrote this for my lovely girlfriend many years ago:

Your face to me is a landscape, painted with the hair of angels for brushes, with the tears of gods for paint, and the wings of doves as the canvas. Your beautiful deep and inviting pools, those eyes... sirens to the soul they swallow me whole...

I am so lost in you, your maze of love. Your silken hair, spider wisps in the breeze.
Animated magic, the very action of your smile, calming me creating me anew, a child.

To know you exist is pleasure so intense it hurts. To know you exist away from me now is utter destruction. My goddess, how I love you, you are the heart, you beat the blood that I depend on, that keeps this perfect machine running.

Without you I am not even this thing, I am a psychotic bio cancer. But with you I am like wine, sweet and as flowing from heaven. I promise you my life, it is yours, I am yours... I'm your servant.

Firefly:

I am going to hold off on the cat saga for one moment while. Largely due to the fact that it is forever evolving and getting more interesting the longer I wait! Instead I need to tell you about a rare and very special occurance. One that everytime I see it, I gasp in awe and happiness.




The Firefly. Photuris lucicrescens. The tiny little bug who lights up bright green on warm summer nights. I have lived many places around the U.S. in my life, but no where have I seen them so abundant, large and bright as here in the New England areas. To be honest, they alone make living here worth the harsh winters. They are like natures way of saying;
"Yeah sorry about freezing you half to death over the winter, here, let me make up or that with this". and there they are...

For Her:

You know who she is? If you are a guy and you have done, said or tried these things for her, then you do know who she is...

My darling, how do you know I love you? A tough question, I know. But perhaps these little reminders will answer that question for you. Like the times I have said "Sex can wait" or "You're beautiful." Or when I would drive across town (or across the state) to see you. Give you flowers and a card when you are sick or flowers just because. I meant when I said I would die for you. When we did what you wanted to do. When I cried in front of you.

that she cried in front of.

that holds hands with her.

that kisses her with meaning.

that hugs her when she's sad.

that hugs her for no reason at all.

who would give their jacket up for her.

that calls to make sure she got home safe.

would sit and wait for her for hours just to see her for ten minutes

that would give his seat up.

that just wants to cuddle.

that reassured her that she was beautiful no matter what.

told his secrets to her.

tried to show how much he cared through every word and every breath.

thought maybe this could be the one.

that believed in her dreams.

that would have done anything so she could achieve them.

that never laughed at her when she told him her dreams.

that walked her to her car.

that gave his heart.

who prays that she is happy even if you are not with her.

Continuing Saga: My Cats

So it has been a while since I have told you about anything new in my life, my normal average daily life. To be honest I have not had a lot to complain about, but guess what? I do now.

Let me explain to you first that I love my two cats dearly. Their names are Castor and Gigi. Now, Castor is named Castor because he had a twin brother named Pollux. Castor and Pollux, you know, the star constellation? Yeah I thought it was cute and thier personalities matched the myth as well as the whole twin part. Unfortunatly a long while back, we lost Pollux to F.I.P. Very sad. So sad in fact, I made a silent pronmise to myself not to get anymore cats. Until one day when my co-worker came in and told me that she was going to get rid of her cat, Gigi. Now... I would NEVER name my god damned cat Gigi. Ever. It just reaks of pretention and high maintanence, two things you do not want in a cat. But she was nothing like that when I first saw her. In fact she was very very shy, to the point you honestly had to wonder if she had be horribly beaten (Now I presume she was, or locked in a closet, or something tragic). I will say that with a few years of complete pampering and total love she is not even close to being the same cat as when I met her. I have several (HA! several? who am I trying to kid?) friends who will vouge for this. Anyhow... let me get this story going.

Castor is a very smart cat. He has shown remarkable problem solving skills, reasoning skills and even verbal skills. He can open doors, cabinets, and just about anything his paw can reach. He has learned to use his paw like a hand, which I think he got the idea from Gigi but expounded on it and now can grab anything he wishes. Gigi on the other hand is dumber than a fence post. She does your typical cat things like, chases her tail, forgets she has been living with Castor for the past 4 or 5 years and attacks HIM if she sees another cat. Doesnt remember where the litter box is. And she has a pretty goofy expression on her face at all times. It does not help that she has one tooth that will not stop growing and hangs out of the side of her mouth. Makes her kind of look like a saber tooth, which is our nickname for her. I have a sarcastic name for her that my girlfriend does not like, GiGenius. Yes, I thought it was funny too! So now that you have a little back ground on these two, I will tell you what an average day is like with them.

Upon awakening to a beautiful morning, both cats wait for me in the hall leading to the coffee pot. They know without a doubt this is where I will be heading. Having just woken up I am grouchy, angry and usually on the edge of what I like to call "Burst Violence". That tedious balance between being in control and completly out of control of your actions after waking up. And this is one facet of human nature that the cats do not understand or fear. You would think after thousands of years of natural selection, genetic survival and encoding, that domesticated cats would have adapted to this phenomena and noticed the warning signs. Well... they havent. Because as I walk down the hall towards my blessed coffee pot, the meowing starts. Not just happy go lucky, normal meowing. Not the kind that says "Hey, hello there, Hi im your cat and good morning to you" or "What a beautiful morning, go get your coffee, we'll talk later." no no no, nothing so pleasant. It is something more akin to "Hey you fat fuck! Feed me, I can see the bottom of my food bowl and its pissing me off! DO IT NOW!" or "Hey fuck face!, you going to get a job today or sit on your ass and ignore me all day?" This is where I take deep breaths and kindly tell them to Shut the fuck up. Of course I am well aware the food bowl is full, that the water dish is full and they have just been petted and cuddled by my girlfriend only mere moments before she left for work. So possibly, the only reason for this loud, desperate meowing is to confuse me or upset me. I do finally reach the sweet salvation of my coffee pot despite the deliberate way in which both cats throw themselfs in front of my walking feet in an obvious and purposeful attempt of tripping me. I do not know why they want me to trip, perhaps it is so then can more easily reach the soft fleshy tissues of my face in order to rip them out and devour them. Whatever the case they ALMOST always fail at this, something they will have to co-ordinate and work at if they hope to achieve any level of success in the future. Make no mistake, if it is their intent, they will master this art and soon I will be defeated. At which point I can only hope someone discovers my half eaten corpse before the digestive enzymes and flesh eating bacterias burst through my body and destroy the carpeting. Because if it is harmed in anyway, it is my belief that my girlfriend will kill herself in order to chase me into the afterlife, simply to yell at me for it. But they do not trip me and I am successful in getting my cup of coffee and as the first dropplets of the morning elixr of consciousness hit my tongue I am fooled into thinking that things will get better. I am dead wrong of course, else there would not be a post about it. More coming tomorrow.

Amusing Illusions of Strength

Hello bitches.

I feel the need to point something out to you that you may or may not have noticed in your comings and goings with people. I noticed this quality trait in a friend of mine whom with which I had a nice long phone call with this morning. He does not read my blog so will never know its about him. I think this truly interesting phenomena is prevalent in just about all people of a certain mental group, perhaps a genetic group, I don't know.

Ever notice how some people when talking about them self will constantly reference another person in their life and seemingly give enormous ammounts of credit to this other person? So much so that your first impression is "Whoa this person is in love and very devoted" But then... the person keeps bringing this reference up again and again, the same person, over and over again. Piling on more and more credit and praise until it gets to the point where you are almost sick of hearing about that person? What is that?! Here let me give you an example.

Joe: Dude, I got that new promotion.

Steve: No shit?! Gratz man! You rock.

Joe: Yeah, it' great. But I could not have done it without Heather, man, she was really there for me the whole time. She supported me and helped me through it.

Steve: uh... yeah, but you did it on your own and you should...

Joe: I mean, if it werent for her, I would be nothing, I would be homeless and desolate and wandering the streets completly devoid of a soul. She has saved my life man. I really love her.

Steve: ...

Joe: Dude, no one knows me like she does, she has stuck with me through thick and thin. She is the ground beneeth my feet, the wings on my back that carries me through this fucked up world and over the rocky ground of everyday life! She understands me, she loves me, she sticks with me no matter how fucked up I am or become. I owe it all to her.

Steve: Dude, get a grip.

Joe: She is my soul mate.

Steve: We can no longer be friends.

Joe: You just dont understand man...

Steve: No I do, I understand perfectly. You are pretty much a weak, souless individual with no free will or ability to make it in this world. All of your accomplishments are not your own, you are pathetic. Am I getting it right?

Joe: Fuck you dude, you don't know me. I am outta here.

Steve: Are you sure you made that decision on your own, or did Heather send you a telepathic message to help you get a spine and stand up for yourself? I mean I do not see any antenne on your head, how did you get to this resolution on your own? Wait.. did you actually make the decision to leave of your own free will? How did you do that? I am sure it was the support of your soul mate and love of your life that gave you the strength to decide this, right? You make me want to punch babies, get out of my sight.

Joe: ...

Steve: Wanna go get a drink?

Joe: Yeah.

Steve: Lovely weather we're having.

Joe: Yeah... thank Heather for that.

I think you get the point. You know this person, they are in your life, in fact they might be you. There is nothing wrong with someone in your life who is there to catch you when you fall, hell we all fall at one time or another. but give yourself some credit where credit is due. When it comes right down to it, we are all alone, even with the ones we love. Everything you are, everything you do, is a result of you doing something about it, others can not make you be the person you are. Be proud of yourself, take credit for what you have done. And do that someone special in your life a favor and DO NOT place so much responsibility on thier shoulders as good ole' Joe has done up above. Because when they fail you, as people inevitably do simply because they are human beings, you are going to crash hard. You are going to hit bottom and you may not ever get back up.. until someone else comes along you can blame all your success on.

Is this you?

Just trying to get in that door. Whether it be a job interview, a group of friends, the popular club down the street, an idea into your husbands head... or even that girls pants. Yeah I think this is you, hell, it is all of us.

Letting Go

If you add up all the things in your life that you have experienced, people you have met and thing you have done. Foods you have tasted, drinks you have enjoyed. Movies you liked, poetry you read. Books you have sat in front of the fireplace reading or.. hell, even your favorite type of porn. All of these things, added up, equal the sum of your life. Because all you have is memories and the present. Anything beyond that is fleeting and useless. Even love is a memory. You remember what it felt like to first kiss and hold this incredible new person, and from there, after the newness fades, your left with the memory of love. And you remain in love with the memory until something new is experienced with this person. If too much time goes by, you forget. And then you "fall out of love". And you let that person go for another new experience, something that can make an imprint on your mind and heart. Another good memory.

You know what my problem is? I cant fucking remember what I had for dinner the night before. I do not remember very much of anything at all. Ever. But this puts me in a unique place that is quite outside the box. Everything is new. Everything is a wonderous experience that keeps me feeling. I am blessed and cursed at the same time. Blessed to forget all the bad things so I do not carry around any baggage at all. None. But cursed because I am intense. I am intense and constantly searching for that next memory. That little something that will make the moment not feel like just another empty day.

Are you like me?

Wake up.

Stop going about your daily life not looking around. Look the next person you pass on the street, or on the bus or passing you in the hall, right in the eye and look deeply, not just at the surface, and say hello.

Stop walking around outside without stopping and listening to everything, open your ears and hear everything. open your eyes and see everything, open your senses and breathe in deeply, WAKE UP! You have been dreaming for months, maybe years. Lulled to sleep by monotony and repition, and you are missing everything.

Hug someone. And when you do it feel them close. Ignore the clothing, ignore the people who may be around you. And let that person be the only person in your world for the next 10 seconds. Breathe them in, send your warmth into them, and touch their skin. You are lonely and sleeping. WAKE UP!

Do this... seriously. You won't regret it.